How to Spend a Day Doing Whatever You Feel Like
Photo by Theodor Sykes on Unsplash
TL/DR:
A shouldless day is a day with no obligations, where spontaneity guides.
Plan for it, but don't plan it out. Packing the day with fun plans could turn them into obligations and defeat the point.
How? Clear your schedule, skip the alarm, and keep asking yourself, "What do I feel like doing?"
When the day is over, reflect on how it felt. If you liked it, plan another one.
The Whole Shebang:
A few weeks ago, I was radioactive. Not in a metaphorical sense, but in a literal one.
So radioactive, in fact, that I had to be physically quarantined from all humans for 4 days, and then my poor husband had to sleep in a different room for a week.
(Side note: it was a thyroid treatment, nothing too serious, no need to worry about me.)
And so, I had an interesting natural experiment in time on my hands. I, a 45-year-old mom of 2, who has NEVER lived alone (yes, you heard that right; I went straight from living with roommates to moving in with my now-husband when I was 23), had 4 whole days in which I was required to be entirely alone.
I couldn’t go to the pottery studio. (The horror!) I couldn’t meet up with friends. I couldn’t enter a restaurant or a store. And I couldn’t even putter around my own house without endangering my family.
It was just me, myself and I. For 4 days. And I had nothing but time on my hands.
And because I love an experiment, especially a natural one, I was interested to see what I would do with all that time, in the absence of any structure, any obligations, any humans to feed, etc.
I wasn’t worried I’d be bored. In fact, when people say they’re worried they’ll be bored in retirement, I just.can’t.relate. I have so many hobbies, and there are so many books to read, and podcasts to listen to, etc. I can’t ever imagine myself being bored.
(Or maybe, as I’m thinking about this, and remembering my mom’s incessant refrain any time the word “bored” was uttered: “If you’re bored, you must be boring!”, said in a sort of sing-songy way. So, perhaps this is more deep seated than I’d realized!)
So, anyway, boredom was ruled out as a concern, but I was interested in what I would do with all this time-freedom.
And so, without further ado, here’s what I did:
I made approximately 100 clay buttons (because I knew I couldn’t go to the studio, I brought home some clay in advance. And do I know what I’m going to do with these buttons? Absolutely not.)
I crocheted 90% of a sweater
I binged-watched a few seasons of various TV shows; some great, some delightfully bad
I took LONG walks on the beach, by myself, every day
I napped! (I’ve always believed that I’m not a napper, that I can’t nap, that it doesn’t work for me, but somehow, without trying, I napped.)
I read a book (a paper one!), and listened to 2 more
I lounged in bed in the mornings with absolutely no guilt because there was nowhere I “should” have been and nothing I “should” have been doing.
I lived according to my own chronotype, not an external clock or schedule, meaning I went to sleep between 1am and 4am and slept until 10am or 11am every day. (Glorious!)
And what are my takeaways?
Well, first off, I had an immense feeling of ease, more so than I’ve probably ever felt in my adult life, with nowhere to be and nothing to do.
I wanted, and executed on, a good mix of intake (TV, audiobooks, etc.) and output (crochet, clay, etc.). The mix felt natural, easy, balanced.
And then, I thought, is there anything that I learned that I can implement in my normal life, where I do, in fact, have obligations?
(Oh, woe is me!)
So while no, I can’t regularly take 4 days to spend entirely by myself (at least not until both my kids are in college!), I could probably, every once in a while, take a day to live this way.
And it reminded me of a concept I first heard about in Anna Sale’s interview (on the Death, Sex and Money podcast) of the actress Ellen Burstyn: the concept of “shouldless days”.
What is a shouldless day, you ask? Well, it’s exactly the type of day I just described (sans medical procedure for you, I hope!)
And for me, I think an important element to a “shouldless day” is a day that isn’t planned out. It’s a day where spontaneity guides.
Planned for? Yes.
Planned out? No.
And there’s a significant difference in that one little word swap.
Now, is it possible to plan a shouldless day? Sure, I suppose. But you do run the risk of “shoulding” all over your fun.
Let’s say, for instance, that you plan out a fantastic day, full of plans with friends. You’re going to see a movie, and go out for brunch, etc. But then, you wake up, and you don’t really feel like going out. And you remember that you’ve made all these very fun plans for your “shouldless day”, but now, you want to cancel, you want to take a nap, and you find yourself saying “well I SHOULD be going out and having this super fun day”.
And suddenly, you’ve defeated the point.
So, how can you plan for a shouldless day?
(Because you don’t necessarily want to have one foisted on you for medical reasons.)
It’s easier than you might think.
(And yes, you can do it even if you have small kids, or other caregiving responsibilities.
If you do care for others, you may want to first start with securing care for them, whether it’s for the whole day, or just a few hours, whatever you can swing.)
Then, just clear your schedule.
Don’t make any plans for that day.
Don’t set an alarm.
Instead, wake up when your body feels like it naturally.
And then, ask yourself one question: “What do I feel like doing?”
And then do it.
And when you feel done with that activity, ask yourself again: “What do I feel like doing?”
If what you feel like doing is leisurely staying in bed, resist the urge to call yourself “lazy”.
If the word “should” crosses your mind, remind yourself that that word is banished for the day.
Tap into the present moment.
And when that “shouldless day” is over, reflect for a moment.
How did it feel to spend a day, or even a few hours, focusing on yourself, your own wants and needs, without guilt or burden?
And if, upon reflection, you liked it, that’s your sign to plan another “shouldless day”.
And, if you can’t even imagine how you might get an entire day of freetime, I can help! Here are 4 ways we can work together:
Download the Do More, Stress Less App
Daily personalized coaching that adapts to your brain, your goals, and your life. Like having a productivity coach in your pocket.
Get started here.Enroll in the Time Well Spent course
Bite-sized, shame-free steps to take control of your time, and your life. Built for real people with big lives, big jobs, or both.
Learn more, or enroll here.Get 1:1 Coaching
High-touch coaching for people managers, leaders, executives and founders who need a trusted partner to streamline priorities, manage the overwhelm, and focus on what moves the needle most.
Schedule a call to explore if this is the right fit for you.Explore Team Workshops/Training
Customized workshops and trainings to help your team improve productivity without burnout and create a culture where people (actually) thrive.
Schedule a call to explore if this is the right fit for you.
