You Have More Time Than You Think
Photo by Ubaid E. Alyafizi on Unsplash
TL/DR:
A health crisis can have a silver lining in that it can change how you think about living your life.
You have more time than you think. A health crisis makes you find hours you were sure didn’t exist. Once you know they’re there, you get to choose what fills them.
Your plans will change, and that’s OK. Readjust your goals around what matters most right now, and let the buffer in your schedule take the hit.
Your capacity changes too. On hard days, do the work your brain is able to handle and let the rest wait.
Folks are more understanding, and more willing to help, than you think. Ask, accept, and say thank you.
You don’t have to do everything at once. Pause things on purpose to make room for what’s urgent. You’re able to pick them back up later.
The Whole Shebang:
On 10/7/22, almost exactly 4 years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
And because 1) it’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month and 2) since my diagnosis, multiple friends in their late 30s and early 40s have been diagnosed with breast cancer, it seems an appropriate time to get a few things off my chest (sorry, not sorry for the distasteful pun!).
First of all:
If you’re over 40 and have breasts, please go schedule your annual mammogram! Like, right now, as soon as you’ve finished reading this article. (Or, call now, because you might be on hold for a while anyway, if your doctor’s office is anything like mine. You can read while you wait.)
And, if you love someone over 40 who has breasts, ask them if they have a mammogram scheduled.
And second:
With 4 years in the rearview mirror since the moment I first had to face my own mortality, I want to share with you the lessons that cancer taught me that I’m still thinking about, in case they might help you as well.
If you can learn from my experience, without actually having to go through a life-threatening illness, I will be so, so happy.
You have more time than you think.
You CAN make time for what’s important. I promise.
If you had asked me, before August of last year, if I could make room for 5-15 hours of doctor’s appointments, every week, while parenting and running my business, I’d have told you no.
I already had a very full schedule.
But I did, because I had to. And so can you.
Overnight, I went from a few doctor’s appointments a year to a few doctor’s appointments a week.
And yes, they had to occur during work hours.
And sometimes, they said “Ok, your appointment is at 2pm on Tuesday” and I just had to make it work.
4 years later, I still have several doctors appointments a month. (I’m currently cancer free, but there are a host of other medical annoyances caused by the treatment itself, and, of course, continued monitoring.)
And yes, this was a “need to” situation, but the fact that I was able to make it happen also means that I could have done it in a “want to” situation.
And that’s something I’ve taken with me.
Specifically, I didn’t let those 10 hours a week fill back up with whatever; I was intentional about it. Those hours are now spent in the pottery studio, for the most part, doing something I love.
When life throws you for a loop, readjust your goals
About a week before my diagnosis, I had done my Q4 planning.
I had goals. Lots of them.
And I had to mourn the fact that I wasn’t going to be able to make them all happen on the timeline that I intended. I had to pivot.
When something new, big, and necessary comes up, don’t try to blindly move forward with everything that you’d planned before.
I had a new, much bigger, much more important goal: to survive.
Because if I didn’t hit that goal, none of the others would matter anyway.
Sometimes people feel that even on a micro level, planning is futile because things always change. And it’s true, things change. And no plan I’ve ever made went off without a hitch.
But it’s also true that having a plan allows you to much more easily evaluate the incoming and either (confidently!) change your plans or push back where necessary.
The point of planning isn’t to follow the plan exactly, but to be able to make better, more intentional decisions with your time. To feel good about the tradeoffs you’re making. Because there will always be tradeoffs.
Buffer is key
Now, this isn’t a new lesson learned, but it’s a lesson solidified.
I always keep buffer in my schedule because there are always wild cards. Every day, there’s some amount of “stuff I didn’t know about yesterday that I have to do today”.
And so I plan for this.
And the fact that I already had buffer in my schedule when I got this diagnosis meant that it was much easier for me to reallocate my time as needed.
I was able to push out creative efforts instead of pushing clients and obligations to others.
Do what your brain can handle
For the first couple of months after my diagnosis, it was too much to think about creative or strategic work.
Instead, I focused on the tactical stuff. The concrete stuff. The stuff I could do in my sleep, but that still moves the ball forward.
I didn’t try to force myself to do things that felt beyond my capacity.
But I knew that for me, for my mental health, it was important to keep moving and keep doing something that produced forward momentum.
And, in retrospect, I still probably did too much.
And this lesson applies not just to huge life-changing diagnoses. Some days, you wake up with a migraine, and that’s also a good reason to evaluate your capacity, and do what your brain can handle.
People are more understanding than you think
I took an entire month off to recover from surgery.
I had to reschedule lots of meetings.
Maybe this doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, but I HATE rescheduling.
I aim to be accountable, to do what I say I will, when I say I will, at all costs.
And although I knew folks would understand, it was still hard and scary for me to reschedule all those clients’ sessions.
And, yet, everyone understood, even without knowing the reason.
We’ve all got a layer of stuff happening under the surface. And people are a whole lot more gracious than you might imagine.
Ask for help and accept all help offered
Asking for help is hard. Especially when you’re used to being self-sufficient.
But I didn’t know how taxing my treatment or recovery would be. I didn’t know how I’d feel, or what my energy levels would be like.
I didn’t know what I would be capable of while in treatment.
And so I did something that doesn’t come that naturally to me. At all.
I asked for help.
And when help was offered, I accepted.
What did this look like, practically:
When my mom offered to stay with us after my surgery, for as long as I needed, I accepted. She stayed for a month. She cooked dinner every night for my family. She woke up with the kids early in the morning and got them off to school so that I could sleep in and recover. She kept me company during the day, watching bad tv, chatting. (I will forever be grateful for her help.)
Because I’d disclosed my diagnosis to my kids’ schools, they asked what I needed and even made some suggestions. In the end, my younger son’s school provided a meal train for the entire month that I was doing daily radiation sessions. Every day, someone dropped off a home-cooked dinner. And I’m forever grateful. They also made sure that my son had rides to and from all of his basketball games so that there was one less thing I had to think about.
When parents of my kids’ friends offered a ride to a birthday party, or to do the driving both ways for a playdate, I accepted and said thank you.
And when I expressed to a friend that I was feeling a little guilty about all the help I’d accepted, because I didn’t feel THAT bad, or THAT tired, she reframed it for me. She said, “Imagine how you might feel if you hadn’t accepted the help? How tired you might be?”
And she reminded me of a truth: People like to help, so let them.
And it’s so true.
I like to help. I offer help. It makes me feel good.
And I bet you do, too.
Let other people do that for you.
And I’ve tried to remember this, even though I “need” a lot less help these days.
When someone offers, my first instinct is no longer to wave them off and say I can handle it. 4 years later, I just say thank you and accept it. (Most of the time; hey, I’m still a work in progress.)
There are no medals for running yourself ragged
Remember that everything passes.
What’s happening now is a blip in time.
What will matter in 5 days? 5 months? 5 years?
The hard times don’t last forever. And neither do the good ones.
And that’s OK.
You’ll savor the good more, and you’ll know that the bad will pass.
Don’t just absorb
Actively, and thoughtfully, reduce your load to make room for the new stuff.
Don’t give up sleep, exercise, or time to yourself, if you don’t absolutely have to.
See above re: asking for and accepting help.
I decided that recovery was not the time for trying to build new habits or learn new skills.
I put my Spanish learning through Duolingo on hold.
I accepted that meal train and took “dinner” off my to-do list.
I didn’t take on any new projects.
I delayed creative projects.
When something new and big is happening, and you’re already at capacity, you have to let some things go, put some things on pause, to make room for the immediate.
But that doesn’t mean you’re letting go forever.
Four years later, I’m back to spending time learning Spanish daily.
And as soon as I could get back in the kitchen (my happy place), I was there.
And, I’ve made room for my (not so new anymore) obsession, ceramics.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a million times more: Time is about tradeoffs. When you’re feeling overloaded, it means something needs to go. And you get to choose. You don’t have to let it go forever, but you can’t do everything at once. And that’s ok.
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