What Happens When Work Is All You Have

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

TL/DR:

• Alexis defines productivity as “doing what you intended to do”. Not doing more, and not doing more of what you don't want to do.

• More is not necessarily better. The quality of your time matters so much more than the quantity of your output.

• We live in a culture that puts productivity above humanity, output above joy, and speed above rest. That's why you feel guilty at work AND guilty at home.

• Opting out of hustle culture doesn't cost you your career; in fact, it can help you build a meaningful career within the context of your real life.

• You CAN be successful at work and have a fulfilling life outside of it. It's simpler than it seems, though not easy, and it's up to you to make the choices that get you there.

The Whole Shebang:

Let me tell you a little story. Several years ago, I got a call from a woman in her late 20s, still in the nascent stages of her career. She was working as a project manager at a tech company, living solo with her dog.

“Why in the world”, I wondered, “is she calling me? She’s too young for this.”

See, I tend to work with mid/late career folks who’ve earned their success through brute force and are looking for a way to keep it, without continuing to sacrifice their personal lives. And this woman was not that.

But maybe, I thought, this one’s ahead of the game. Maybe she’s trying to get ahead of the burnout before it subsumes her. What foresight!

She said she wanted to be more productive. I had my theories, of course, but I still wasn’t entirely sure why this young woman wanted to spend her hard earned cash to become better at productivity, when she seemed to be doing just fine at work.

On our third call it became clear: Work, as it turned out, was all she had.

In one of our sessions, I asked her what she liked to do for fun. An innocent question. A softball, if you will.

And she couldn’t answer. [Cue the crickets.] She literally couldn’t think of anything she liked to do for fun.

So I asked a different question: “What did you used to enjoy?”

We got a little further; she was able to identify a few things she enjoyed before she graduated college and entered the work world.

Then I asked “What would you be doing if money were no object?”

And it was a far, far cry from her current life. She wanted to run a goat rescue; to care for animals.

Instead she spent her days, most of her evenings, and many of her weekends, answering Slacks, making project plans and sending emails for this software company that was slowly sucking her soul.

Giving her amnesia about the parts of life she used to enjoy, until she literally couldn’t imagine doing anything else but being “more productive” in a job that she didn’t even really seem to enjoy.

I look back on this as one of the failures in my career, because the skills I was teaching her could have made room for the things she actually wanted to do.

Instead, she could only see their value in helping her do more of what was hollowing her out.

She wasn’t looking to be more productive so that she could enjoy her life more. She was looking to be more productive so that she could do more work at a job she didn’t enjoy.

And I couldn’t get her to see the difference.

But it did help me clarify MY purpose (so, maybe not a failure??).

And I can’t blame her for coming to me. After all, my official title (albeit one I gave myself) is “Time Management, Productivity and Stress Reduction Coach”.

And while technically true, I’ve grown to feel a bit of unease around this title.

Not because it’s no longer true, but because it doesn’t completely capture the full depth of my work.

Yes, I teach people how to plan their days and manage their inboxes.

But more importantly, I help people make peace with their time. I help people:

• Feel satisfied with their time.

• Come to terms with the fact that there’s no silver bullet, no unicorn technique that will solve all their time problems.

• Gain confidence in their skills, their decision making, and their tradeoffs.

• Understand themselves and use their natural traits and tendencies to build systems that work FOR them and not against them.

• Reclaim their agency.

• Sleep soundly at night.

• Make more time for the things they want to do, and devote less time to the things they don’t.

My personal definition of productivity? Doing what I intended to do.

It’s decidedly not to simply help people do more work, or do more of what they don’t want to do.

More is not necessarily better. The quality of your time matters so much more than the quantity of your output. (Even when our capitalist culture tells you otherwise.)

And thus my goal has always been to help people spend more of their time in service of whatever is meaningful to them, whatever brings them joy. (And for some, yes, that’s work. But for this woman, that wasn’t it.) Instead of waiting for a retirement that may never come to actually enjoy their lives.

Because we have one life to lead (that we know of, and I’m not taking bets!)

So why, why do so many people, perhaps even you, feel as though they “never have enough time”?

Well.

Here in the US and much of the wider Western world, we live in a culture that asks us to put productivity above humanity, output above joy, and speed above rest.

We feel torn between our work lives and our personal lives. And we often end up prioritizing our work through our actions while telling ourselves we prioritize the opposite. We feel guilty when we work late, because we’re missing the little league game, and guilty at home eating dinner with our family because we know the emails are piling up. We sacrifice our health (both physical and mental) and let our relationships atrophy in service of our careers because we think there’s only one way to play the game, one path to success.

Or because we’ve entirely lost sight of the game.

We’ve brute-forced our way to success, working harder, longer hours, and aren’t sure we can maintain the pace required to keep it.

And yet, we’re terrified of losing it.

So we keep doing the same thing.

And it’s exhausting. But it’s not the only way forward.

In fact, despite my conscious choice to opt out of “hustle culture” (shudder):

• I was promoted at every job I had

• I negotiated a 30-hour work week so I could pick up my kids from school and spend the afternoons with them.

• I negotiated a work-from-home schedule, a decade before the pandemic made it normal, so I could have more time for myself and my family.

• And then I built a successful business while raising too littles and not once working more than 40 hours a week (Ok, well, maybe once or twice. I’m human, after all.)

But believe you me, it’s not like I’ve always been good at this stuff, or had a path paved of gold.

I have ADHD. (Late-diagnosed, baby!)

I’m a cancer survivor. (Currently cancer-free, phew!)

I had (lots of) student loans (now paid off, thank you very much!)

And, I’ve dedicated the bulk of the last decade to helping people with big jobs, big lives, and quite frankly, usually both, to do more of what they want and less of what they don’t, while significantly reducing stress.

And all while living in the world described above, which has an insatiable appetite for your output, your productivity.

And very little regard for your joy and fulfillment.

So where does this leave us?

Yes, you want to be successful at work. But you also want a fulfilling life outside of work.

I believe you can have both.

You deserve a workday in which you get meaningful work done, and you have time to eat and pee and think. You deserve a personal life that is free from the nagging mental to-do list telling you you’re not enough and will never get it all done and that you don’t know what you’re forgetting, or when it’s going to come back to bite you in the ass.

You deserve to make choices about your time (which are, in essence, choices about your life).

(“How you spend your days is how you spend your life” after all. (Thanks, Annie Dillard!))

And it’s a whole lot simpler and more doable than it seems.

Maybe not easy, because pushing back on entrenched societal norms is never easy. But simple, yes. And because it won’t be handed to you, unfortunately, it’s up to you to make decisions about your time that help you enjoy your life, right now. To build in the rest, and the joy, even when, especially when, there’s more work to do .

Because there will always be more work to do. And tomorrow is never guaranteed.

And when you’re ready to start using your time intentionally, instead of living out choices made for you, here are 4 ways we can work together:

1. Download the Do More, Stress Less App

   Daily personalized coaching that adapts to your brain, your goals, and your life. Like having a productivity coach in your pocket. 
   Get started here.

2. Enroll in the Time Well Spent course

   Bite-sized, shame-free steps to take control of your time, and your life. Built for real people with big lives, big jobs, or both.
   Learn more, or enroll here.

3. Get 1:1 Coaching

   High-touch coaching for people managers, leaders, executives and founders who need a trusted partner to streamline priorities, manage the overwhelm, and focus on what moves the needle most.
   Schedule a call to explore if this is the right fit for you.

4. Explore Team Workshops/Training

   Customized workshops and trainings to help your team improve productivity without burnout and create a culture where people (actually) thrive.
   Schedule a call to explore if this is the right fit for you.