4 Simple Steps To Set Boundaries That Are Actually Respected
Photo by Vie Studio
TL/DR:
Boundaries are tough for everyone, kids and adults alike
The FIRM framework gives you 4 clear steps: Figure out, Inform, Reason, Make a suggestion
Positive framing helps people respect your limits (without hurting your reputation)
The Whole Shebang:
Kids and adults? We’re not so different.
Often, the same strategies that work for kids are shockingly relevant for us as adults.
Case in point:
I’m on the board of a nonprofit that does really important work, IMHO. (They empower young people to make informed decisions about their sexual health and relationships and technology usage.)
And when I was attending one of their events recently, I learned an acronym about how to set effective boundaries that I immediately took note of, because I think it’s equally applicable to the workplace as it is to relationships. (What did I say about kids and adults?? :))
What is it?
The FIRM Framework
Figure out your boundaries
Inform others
Give a Reason
Make a suggestion
Boundaries are hard.
They’re hard for kids and they’re hard for adults.
But you know what can make things just a bit easier?
A handy dandy mnemonic device.
And that’s what FIRM is.
So, let’s test it out on a common workplace example.
Perhaps you’d really like to stop checking email on weekends and evenings, as the default.
How can you use the FIRM framework?
Figure out your boundaries
I won’t actively check email or Slack/Teams after 7pm, or on weekends.
Inform others
Depending on your work culture, and your role, and if this will be a drastic change, you may need to proactively inform folks and you can do that by simply telling them.
Or, in many/most circumstances, you may be able to more reactively inform people, by, say, setting an “Out of Office” reply during hours you won’t be checking and a custom chat status letting people know when you’ll be back online.
Pro-tip: Use positive framing vs. negative.
Instead of saying: “I won’t be available from 7pm to 9am”,
Say: “I process messages between the hours of 9am and 7pm”
Give a reason
This may, or may not be necessary.
But I did think it’s interesting that my already existing OoO reply follows this framework.
Here’s what you receive if you email me on the weekend:
“Thanks so much for reaching out!
It’s the weekend, so I'll be back in my inbox on Monday.
(Why am I not checking email on the weekend? Because I believe rest and relaxation are valuable activities in their own right. But, if you want a "good reason" to make room for rest, please check out my blog post on why disconnecting is a powerful productivity tool!)
Thanks for your patience.”
Make a suggestion
In this case, I’d include how to reach you in a true emergency (because you do want to be available, if you’re truly needed).
You might include the language “If you’ve reached me outside of normal business hours, but it’s a true emergency, please call/text me at xxx.xxx.xxxx” or whatever means of communication you’re comfortable with.
Now it’s your turn!
What’s a boundary you’re been struggling to set, or struggling to enforce?
Can you apply the “FIRM” framework to it?
And if you decide you need a little help, when you’re ready, here are 3 ways we can work together:
1) Enroll in the Time Well Spent course
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